Mind the gap

Three ways to gently break your reactive patterns

1. Pause, slow down, and take a breath before speaking.

Mindlessly speaking to others is one of the most common forms of reaction. Words are more powerful than we realize, so this is a good one to work on. When we feel defensive, vulnerable, angry, or down, we react to those around us by snapping at them or being short. Most of the time, we aren’t even thinking about what we’re saying. We unfairly use our words to offload what we’re feeling on others.

For example, if we’re feeling frustrated and someone rubs us the wrong way, we might say something mean or aggressive to give them a taste of what we’re feeling. Think of the last time you did this. Recall when you were overloaded with tension and blasted off at someone. It almost feels like there’s a blank in your memory, doesn’t it? Like you were hypnotized during those few seconds. That’s the feeling of reaction.

When you notice you’re not in a good headspace, it’s wise to slow things down, pause, and take a breath before you speak. Doing this will lower your heartbeat and help you calm down and think more clearly. The few seconds of that breath puts a gap between your thinking and your actions. Doing this gives you the time to let go of your reactive energy, speak with clarity, and shift your behavior pattern into a constructive form of expression.

2. Take a moment to ground yourself when feeling anxious.

Whenever we feel anxious, our brain shifts into fight-or-flight mode. This shift alters how we perceive reality. The intensity level of everything increases. People’s words hit us extra hard and feel threatening. Challenges seem unbeatable. Our attention becomes panicky and darts around, which makes it difficult to focus on one thing. Feeling anxious is a prime opportunity for reaction. That’s because we are so overwhelmed by what we feel that almost all our actions go on autopilot. Acting from a fear-based mindset makes us say things to keep people away, look for unhealthy ways to numb ourselves, and make blurry decisions.

As you notice your anxiety increasing, use that feeling as a signal that it’s time to take action. The sooner you sense your tension rising and counteract it, the better off you’ll be. Think of anxiety like a fire. You can stomp out a few smoldering embers with your foot. However, a forest fire takes a whole crew to battle.

You can soothe your anxiety by taking 10 calm and slow breaths. If you can take even more breaths, that’s wonderful. On each exhale, relax the muscles in your body as much as possible. Slowing your breathing sends signals to your mind that your body is safe. While feeling anxious and in fight-or-flight mode, the tension in your body makes your mind believe that your environment is physically dangerous. This perception creates a feedback loop between your body and mind, increasing your anxiety. Intervening by taking long and slow intentional breaths will break the cycle, tell your brain that you aren’t in danger, and relieve the intensity of your anxiety.

3. Cultivate compassion by looking at different perspectives.

Our ego can feel threatened and react when challenged. We can act mindlessly when someone disagrees with us, doesn’t show us the respect we believe we deserve, or doesn’t validate the value we believe we’re bringing to the table. Our ego is sensitive because it’s the core of our being. When it feels provoked, it hits us on the deepest level, which often causes the harshest reactions. In an instant, we can become angry, judgmental, spiteful, and cold. Sensitive egos have a constant need to feel strong and in control. When there is a conflict with that feeling, the reaction is to cut off compassion, be aggressive, and regain a sense of power, however possible.

Egoic reactions can get ugly fast. When you feel your ego challenged and negative emotions start to rise, it’s wise to take a step back, withhold your actions, and consider the situation from multiple perspectives. In most cases, whoever challenged your ego didn’t intend to do so. They likely stumbled upon one of your triggers without understanding how it would hit you. They probably aren’t even aware that what they said was harmful to you. Instead of reacting by becoming aggressive and cold, entertain the possibility that the story you have in your mind about what happened isn’t the whole story. Ask clarifying questions if you need more detail about what was said and why. Allow some compassion to flow in. Give yourself and others the benefit of the doubt. Be as empathetic with yourself as you would with a dear friend.